


Not Again

by ItsAJ_B1tches, Jenicorn, venom_for_free



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! - All Media Types, Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anger, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Character Study, Dissociation, Gen, Self-Harm, Triggers, all the stuff that comes with bpd, can be read as platonic friendship, implied prideshipping, mild description, yami is kaiba's fp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 08:43:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17577599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsAJ_B1tches/pseuds/ItsAJ_B1tches, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenicorn/pseuds/Jenicorn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/venom_for_free/pseuds/venom_for_free
Summary: Kaiba spirals out of control as he loses to Yami, once again.(A character study on Kaiba.)





	Not Again

**Author's Note:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**
> 
> Read the additional tags before you go further as I have tagged potential triggers.
> 
> You have been warned.

As his life points hit zero, Kaiba could only stare across the arena as the holograms disappeared, signaling the match was, indeed, over.

 

He kept staring even as their platforms lowered.

 

He stared as Yugi - the  _ other  _ Yugi - was embraced by his friends.

 

He could only stare.

 

He couldn’t do anything else.

 

Vaguely, Kaiba registered Mokuba approach his side. His brother was offering him his condolences and that he would do better next time. It was the usual post-loss ramblings.

 

“Of course I will.” He heard himself proclaim, confidently, before turning on his heel and walking away.

 

He never realised he was saying it, however.

 

And he didn’t feel confident.

 

In fact, Kaiba didn’t feel anything at all.

 

He strode over to his car and unlocked it, settling into the driver's seat and buckling his seat belt. He put the key in the ignition and pulled out of his reserved spot, onto the road. He drove home, not thinking about what he was doing. His movements were automatic, running on autopilot.

 

Because he couldn’t think.

 

He could only  _ do. _

 

Somehow, he found himself in front of the grand, black steel gates of his mansion, waiting for them to open.

 

_ When did that happen? He’d only just got in the car… _

 

Somehow, a 45 minute drive felt like 45 seconds. Time was usually one of his strong points. He lived his life to set times.

 

But not when he’s like this.

 

Like this, he didn’t feel like any time was passing.

 

The gates opened, and Kaiba drove past them, pulling into the expansive garage and switching the engine off.

 

He made no move to do anything else.

 

He just sat there.

 

“Seto?”

 

Kaiba turned to see his door had opened, and Mokuba’s face was staring at him, concern and worry evident in the lines of his forehead and the depths of his eyes.

 

“We’ve been looking for you for ages. What are you doing sat in your car? How long have you been here for?” Mokuba’s voice was filled with many different emotions. Kaiba could make out hesitation, relief, and worry.

 

Always worry.

 

“I’m fine, Mokuba. I’ve just been thinking.”

 

The words spilled off of the edge of his tongue, the lies so easy to say.

 

He’d said them enough times.

 

He climbed out of the driver's seat, and ruffled Mokuba’s hair as he passed, smiling down at him. 

 

He couldn’t do with his brother worrying - it would just make everything 10x worse later on.

 

Kaiba walked out of the garage and into the spacious, elegant entrance hall. He walked past Isono, who was speaking to him. Kaiba didn’t hear what he said though. He didn’t care. He strode up the grand staircase, taking them two steps at a time. An easy feat considering the length of his legs. He turned right and pushed open the door to his bedroom, closing it behind him.

 

And then he collapsed, face first onto his bed.

 

He just laid there.

 

Not thinking.

Not feeling.

Not doing anything.

 

Except laying.

 

The smell of coffee drifted over to him, as the sound of the door opening and closing echoed in the minimalist room.

 

Still, he didn’t move.

 

“Master Kaiba?” Isono uttered his name like a question.

 

Kaiba knew what he was asking.

 

_ Are you okay, master Kaiba? _

_ You’re still in your clothes from last night, master Kaiba! Did you fall asleep that way? _

_ Do you want me to get you anything, master Kaiba? _

 

All those questions had the same, one syllable, simple answer:

 

No.

 

He was not okay.

He didn’t fall asleep in these clothes because he didn’t sleep.

He didn’t want anything because he didn't know what he wanted.

 

So, no.

 

Not that he voiced these thoughts out loud. He just laid there.

 

Like he’d been doing all night.

 

Not that it felt like it had been all night.

It felt like it had only been five minutes.

 

Kaiba heard Isono move towards the door, and leave, the gentle click of the door shutting indicating that Kaiba was once again, alone.

 

He was always alone.

 

Kaiba laid there for a few more seconds before pushing his stiff, aching body off of the bed. It was the only indication that time had passed for Kaiba - he still barely felt it as he walked over to his desk, where Isono had left the mug of coffee.

 

He picked it up, wrapping his hands around the mug, the cool ceramic biting into his palm. He took a tentative sip, the lukewarm, bitterness of the coffee lingering on his tongue before he swallowed. It was only after he’d downed half the mug that Kaiba processed that it was cold.

 

_ Huh. Strange. Isono never screws up the coffee. He must have laid on his bed for longer than he thought after Isono had left. _

 

Before he could stop himself, Kaiba threw the mug against the wall, hating the taste of it.

 

It was disgusting.

He was disgusting.

 

Rage gripped his heart and his lungs, squeezing tightly until Kaiba couldn't breath.

 

He was so fucking angry.

 

Angry at the coffee.

Angry that he drank it.

Angry that Isono hadn’t told him to get up before it got cold.

Angry that he’d laid in bed, not sleeping all night.

Angry.

Angry.

Angry!

 

Tears came unbidden to his eyes. He furiously wiped them away, hating himself for this show of weakness.

 

He was Seto fucking Kaiba.

 

He didn’t cry.

Except he did.

More than people realised.

 

The persona he showed to the world, wasn’t who he really was.

 

Except, he didn’t know who he was either.

 

_ Yes you do. _

 

“Fuck!” Kaiba fell to his knees, hands coming up to grip his hair as he bent over so his forehead was resting on his thighs. 

 

Not this voice again. He didn’t like this voice. He wanted it to go away!

 

_ But I am you, Seto. _

 

“No you’re not. Fuck off.” He pleaded, knowing it was futile.

 

_ Yes I am. How else would I know all your thoughts? All your fuck ups?  _

 

“No you don’t!” Kaiba protested feebly, hoping it would go away soon.

 

_ Yes I do. I know all your little secrets. I know what you do when you’re all alone. I know why you always wear long sleeves, and never wear shorts. It’s not because it’s professional. It’s because you don’t want people to see how weak you really are. _

 

“Shut up.” Kaiba begged, tears streaming down his face, hands tugging painfully at his hair.

 

_ You’re nothing but a failure. A fraud. You show the world that you’re this perfect, ruthless, businessman, who never fails. But instead you’re a weak, pathetic failure of a man, who cries himself to sleep! _

 

Kaiba shook his head, hoping to rid himself of the voice in his head. It was no use. The voice just grew stronger the more he struggled. In the silence of the room, there was nothing else to drown it out.

 

He fell onto his side, curling up into the fetal position, still keeping his hands clenched in his hair. He shut his eyes tight, willing the voice to go away soon. Instead, it just spewed insults his way.

 

_ Useless. _

_ Miserable. _

_ Lonely. _

_ Dirty. _

_ Failure. _

_ Always a failure. _

_ You can’t even get undressed at night. When was the last time you showered? Hmm? Yesterday morning! That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting! _

_ Disgusting. _ __  
_ Can’t even shower. _ __  
_  
_ __ Disgusting.

_ Shower. _

 

_ Shower. _

 

“Shower!” Kaiba dragged himself to his feet and stumbled over to the en suite bathroom. He turned the shower on, the high pressured water hitting against the floor and walls of the shower cubicle. The noise drowning out the voice in his head. He stripped off his clothes and climbed in.

 

The water was warm and comforting.

 

But it wasn’t hot enough.

 

Kaiba turned the temperature up, ignoring the stinging pain as the scolding water hit his bare skin.

 

It was too hot now.

And he loved it.

 

Kaiba sighed as the pain spread across his body, his skin going red where the water was burning him. Pain brought Kaiba back to life. It grounded him, especially after a dissociative episode where he felt nothing. He needed to feel after those episodes, to know that he was real. To know that he existed.

 

But this wasn’t enough.

No, he needed more.

 

Kaiba eyed the overhead, mirrored cabinet above his sink.

His body moved without his consent.

He didn’t care.

He wanted this.

He  _ needed  _ this.

 

Kaiba opened the cupboard and gripped the object he required, before shutting the door, and moving back into the shower. He stretched his arm out, observing the multitude of white and red lines, all in various different shades and states of healing.

 

He was about to add more.

 

Running the razor across his skin, he hissed as the skin broke and crimson blood spilled out of the new cut. His body slumped against the wall, as he did it again.

And again.

And again.

 

He kept going until his mind was blank and his nerves were on fire.

 

His body slipped down the wall, until he found himself sitting on the floor of the shower cubicle, watching the blood drip from his arm, across his marked thighs, and mixing with the water, before circling the drain and escaping from view.

 

As he sat there, his arm screamed at him as the water hitting the fresh wounds caused an intense stinging pain, far different from what he’d already experienced.

 

It was becoming unbearable.

 

Standing up on shaky legs, he was overcome with dizziness. Kaiba leaned his head against the wall, the tiles anchoring him until the feeling passed. He knew it was because of the lack of nutrition, and loss of blood. The temperature of the water also wasn’t helping.

 

It was too much.

All of it, too much.

 

As he switched the water off and exited the shower, he felt rage once more.

 

_ This was all Yugi’s fault! The other Yugi’s - Yami! _

_ Fucking bastard! _

_ He can’t even get his own body, he’s that useless! _

_ How the fuck does he keep losing to him!? _

_ Why does he even care that much about him? _

_ Well, from now on, he’s not going to give him the time of day. _

_ If Yami won’t leave him alone, then he’ll leave Yami alone. _

_ He won’t talk to him anymore. _

_ Won’t even interact. _

_ He means nothing to him. _

_ He’s just a waste of space and he doesn’t need to prove anything to him. _

_ He knew he was good. _

_ He didn’t need Yami’s fucking approval and praise! _

_ Fuck him! _

 

As Kaiba set about cleaning his new wounds and dressing them, he felt his rage ebb a bit. This was routine for him. The cleaning, sterilising, and bandaging.

 

It cleared his mind, the fog leaving his brain.

Emotions were still choking him, however.

 

He hated how he felt too much.

He wished he was emotionless, like people suspected.

He’d be able to function properly that way.

He’d be able to wear his sleeves rolled up.

He’d be able to go swimming without fear of people seeing his calves and thighs.

But he hated not feeling.

He hated the way he drifted through time, not focusing on what was happening.

 

_ THIS WAS YAMI’S FAULT! _

 

Slamming his hands down on the sink, he looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, rage making them glint dangerously. His face was flushed and his hair was drying in a tangled mess as he hadn’t combed it yet.

 

He was far from the polished persona he showed the world.

 

This was who he really was.

 

A mess.

 

“Yami!” he growled, the word feeling like the worst curse word he could come up with.

 

He’d make him pay!

 

Throwing on a clean turtle neck, and trousers, he stormed out of his room, down the stairs, and into the garage. He grabbed the first pair of keys he could reach and entered the car that matched them. He started the engine, and not even bothering to put his seat belt on, he set off. He sped out of the garage, through the gates and onto the road, driving recklessly. The speed and the danger of it all excited him. It made him feel alive like the pain was unable to.

 

Before he knew it, he was parked behind the game shop and entered it. It was late in the evening, Kaiba having spent most of his day an emotional mess on the floor of his bedroom, so the shop was closed.

 

He hammered on the door, his anger fueling him.

 

It opened to reveal the shocked face of Yugi.

Kaiba stormed past him, not caring that he’d pushed into him.

As Yugi shut the door, Kaiba rounded on him.

 

“I want a word with him.” he snarled, glaring at the smaller one.

 

Yugi nodded once before Yami appeared, crossing his arms and looking at Kaiba, a knowing look in his face, along with worry.

 

Always worry.

 

_ Why would he worry? He doesn’t care about him! It’s all a lie! _

 

Now that Kaiba was here, he felt all of his anger drift away, leaving him feeling exhausted. Tears slid down his face, and Kaiba brushed them away, aggressively. Yami moved to approach him, and Kaiba snapped.

 

“Don’! Don’t you dare come near me! This is all your fault! All of it! I hate you!” Kaiba shouted through the tears, his voice breaking and his heart hurting.

 

He saw Yami’s eyes flicker with pain at the words, but he hid it well, his defences going up. Even so, he approached Kaiba like one would approach a wounded animal.

 

Because that’s what Kaiba was.

 

He was hurting.

And in pain.

Not just physically but mentally and emotionally.

 

Yami knew who Kaiba was, even if Kaiba struggled to understand that.

Yami showed Kaiba the way.

Kaiba needed Yami to show him the way, because Kaiba didn’t know how.

And Kaiba hated not knowing.

 

Kaiba fell to the floor, his body shaking as sobs wracked his body, finally letting himself break apart, allowing Yami to fall next to him and bundle him up in his arms, holding his head to his chest, stroking his fingers through his hair, uttering soft, comforting words. Kaiba leaned into it.

 

Because he knew he needed this.

He needed to break before he could be fixed.

And Yami will fix him.

Yami always fixed him in the end.

 

He couldn’t leave Yami. 

He couldn’t live without Yami.

Yami helped him stay afloat through the storm.

He’d drown otherwise.

 

Kaiba clutched Yami’s top tightly.

“Please don’t leave me.” He begged through his sobs.

“I won’t. I’m here, always.” Yami replied, his voice strong and confident. Sincere.

 

For now, Kaiba will believe him.

**Author's Note:**

> Kaiba has BPD and no one can change my mind on this!
> 
> I (Aj) have BPD myself so a lot of this is based on my own personal experiences due to the fact that I do relate to this character. By posting this I hope I can help reduce the stigma surrounding BPD, and help others recognise the condition who might be suffering but don't know what it is they're suffering from.
> 
> Any comments are appreciated, and if you want to ask more questions and find out more, then hmu.
> 
> Love you guys.  
> <3


End file.
